leena philip

I LOVE THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. SHE IS MY LIFE.
So..it's gon be leena philips birthday on saturday. And im so excited...except im no tgon be there. And i really dont know what to get her for her birthday. Im so sad that i wont be able to hang out with her :( stupid choir fest :( I LOVE LEENA PHILIP. Like seriously this girl has been amazing since i've known her. She's really dumb sometimes, but thats what i love about her. She always knows how to make me laugh. SHes really werid sometimes and collecs straws and hair.But it's ok, that why i love her. I just wanted to let her know that even though i wont be able to hang out with you on saturday...

HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRRL. I L OVE YOU.

i hope you have a great day, and we'll still be partyin it up when we're 70 years old and in diapers.

god, you up there bud?

so i got ungrounded last week. and i just got my phone canceled again. AGAIN.

So i dont know what to do. It sucks having to stay in this house. And just having to hear all this stuff from my parents, and on top of that ajie and allen. They say you can know what kind of a husband a man will be by the way he treats his mom and sisters. I was thinkig today, and i realized that its one thing to have to hear your parents put you down, but your own siblings? come on

Like it sucks, it hurts. All i can do is cry. Like im going to run out of tears by the time im 40.

I think im learning through all of this to have faith. God is doing this for a reason. Im in this family for a reason. Im still alive for a reason. He's testing me right now. But its so hard, i can't deal with all of this. I just want to cry, but i cant. I hate being called names by my brothers. Its sucks. but at least im real. At least i dont act like a completely different person outside the house.

God is teaching me how to love and forgive through out all of this. I hate this family so much at times. But the only thing that gives me assurance is god. I've been trying to give up swearing for a while..and if you read through most of this blog, thats pretty much all you see, profanity. I was recently called out on it, again. And when asked why i swear, i couldnt come up with a reason. There's really no point i suppose. But people who know me, know i have a very short temper, an di get mad very easliy. I guess words is better than actions, but still i know its wrong. So god has been showing me there are other ways to vent my anger..

But on a happier note, i got these new shirt that i LOVE. It says "swagger" across it, and omg i nearly fainted when i saw it online :)

JAM OF THE MOFO DAY:
"WETTER" by twista
ok, i know this song is totally inappropriate but i LOVE it's flow and beat.

oh tuesday

i am still grounded. i miss all my stuff. i want all of my stuff back. they took it away for a month. I don't know what else to do. And not only do i have to put up with them, it's my brothers as well. I don't think anyone will really understand how much it hurts to hear you're little brother call you out and put you down. I mean i expect it from Allen, heck, i'm used to it. I don't know what to do. God help me out big guy. I just want my stuff back, what incentive do i have to "act better" if i have nothing to begin with? I'm wasting my summer away in this house. This isn't fair, four against one. FOUR AGAINST ONE. I mean come on. But i'm hoping it all works out. God is good. I'm getting what i deserve. But i just need to stay faithful. Wait for his grace and mercy. I pray that he just changes my heart. I'm beginning to believe all these things my family is telling me. Maybe the problem really is me, maybe i am the one who is messed up. I need you're healing, i'm not a good person. I don't deserve any of this. Yet here i am.

FML

god damn im so fucking frustrated. I hate my parents. Liek is it really his mission in life to be a straight up dick. Are you seriously gonna call me an idiot because i left a bowl on the table? seriously, how old are you. Like wtf what kind of a dad are you? i dont do shitttt to you. I bareley even talk to my parents. THEY ARE THE ONES THAT INSTIGATE ISH, NOT ME.

And then you have the balls to tell me to clean my room? hellllll no. Im not going to anythig you ask me, as long as you keep calling me names and disrespecting me. Like what are they thinking, do they honestly think ima clean my room or do anythign they say with the way they talk to me

GOddamn he is so stupid. Liek how old are you? are you really gonna sit there swearing at me acallign me names? So he's like " you're not going to anymore social events." WTF DOES THAT MEAN. Honestly how the hell are they going to engorce that?

ANd on top of that i have to hear ajie and allen gg em on. Like wtf it's one things to hear my parents call me all this ish, but from my brothers? Of course they're going to take they're side, idk why im suprised. Ajie such a dick sometimes, he's so fake. everyone in this family is so fake.

I have yet to have a real conversation with allen. He's such a jerk, seriously who threatens to delete all my music and hack all my files when they get pissed? how old is he? goddamn my parents piss me off.

And they're such stalkers, they follow me wherever the hell i go. 3 more years, 3 more years, 3 more years.

God give me understanding to accept the things i just cannot change....

FML FML FML FML FML FML


JAM OF THE DAY:
BEST I EVER HAD
BY: DRAKE

what the EFF.

god im so freaking frustrated, this is BULLSHITTT. Like wtf, just wait untill i can drive and make my own money, just wait! I'm going to buy whatever the HELL i want. I'm going to go where ever, and do whatever.

As long as i work hard for my money, and i earn it my slef, i WILL spend it however the hell i want. I'm sick of having to keep going to my parents for everything.Im so sick of hearign them go off on me everytim ei ask fo rsomething. IM SICK of hearing them call me ungratefull. But honsetly who in their righ tmind coould show any gratefullness to parents like this

I dont trucking understand why Allen gets what ever the F he wants. He is having the time of his life. THE TIME OF HIS LIFE. He's going out buyign whateevr the hell he wants. His excuse" its my money, i worked for it, im going to spend it" THAT'S BULL! So what eberyone has to just sit back and watch him getting all these extravagent things?

I dont think anyone understands how much it hurts to watch him get whatever the heck he wants. Like people are constanly callign me spoiled, and i agree with them to some extent. Im the only babygirl of the family , i get what i want most of the time.

But allen. i dont know where to start. Lets put it this way, i could sell his room, and the possessions in it, and probally buy a new house and new dog.

I ask for a fother muckign tshirt , and they say no. I ask why did allen just come home last week with 5 new shirts, they say he worked for it. SERIOUSLY WTF? if i could work at 15 and make my own money..TRUST ME I WOULD

I hate asking my parents for things i hate it, it doesnt even have anyhitng to do with my pride. Im just so sick of hearing what they have to say. I want a TRUCKING 10 dollar shirt, and they say no, they dont have money.BULL. So what? we just repainted the whole house, reapplyed wood flooring, bought an acura TL, and applyed granite counters all with "NO MONEY", right? goddamn.

Don't get me wrong ill donate to church , give tithe and all of that. But with whatever money i have left over, i will buy whatever the hell i want. And not have to worry about those 2 hovering over me every second reminding me how "ungrateful" i am.

I honselty am gratelful for everyhting they've done for me. But once im able to fend for myself, i'm not gonna be asking them for anything. Im going to LIVE IT UPP as much as possible. Im going to have the time of my life.

JAM OF THE MOFO DAY:
MAN IN THE MIRROR
BY: MY MAN, MICHAEL JACKSON

10th avenue north

JAM OF MY FREAKING SUMMER
BY : 10th AVENUE NORTH
BEYOND WORDS


i dont know why, this song is like a soundtrack of a point in my life. It makes me sad listening to it, but holy crap i love listenign to it. It brings back all this mixed emotions and brings back all these memories i forgot about. I want my husband to sing this song to me at my wedding. :)

summer

ehh i't been a while since i've "bloggged" im such a lazy bum. I did absolutely nothing today.. ok so i woke up at 12ish, watched tv, put henna in my hair, and now i am waiting for 4 hours to pass so i can wash this ish out of my hair... funn stuff.

when i grow up i am going to be president